A few weeks ago, my trusty co-writer and I came across this infuriating piece on Marie Claire’s website: 6 Ways to be One of the Guys, a male writer’s observations on the appeal behind women who “act like one of the guys”. It would be one thing to merely identify and ponder why this behavior is attractive – that would be totally understandable, although still annoying. But this patronizing “piece” actually seeks to instruct desperate women about utilizing these “techniques” to snag a boyfriend.
Now, what’s truly offensive about this is its glorification of a very gross type of woman: The “I prefer to hang out with my guy friends” type of girl, this clueless, anti-feminist entity who defines her self-worth by the feedback she gets from men. And since she only achieves self-validation through the eyes of men, this entity feels uneasy around groups of women who fail to contribute to the self-image she craves. If you happen to watch Real Housewives, observe Camille Grammer and Kelly Bensimon as examples of these monsters.
I also detect massive amounts of misogyny and stupidity in this “one-of-the-guys” logic, so let’s dissect the piece and explore how this emerges throughout:
A girl that’s truly “one of the guys” never has trouble attracting men. This type of girl is rare— I’ve only know a few: a friend from college (Jessica), an old work pal (Christina), and my little sister. Why do guys love these types? It’s not a secret urge to date another guy (honestly).
Steeee-rike one! Truckloads-of-bullshit alert!
But seriously, folks: I’m not insinuating that a preference for these “one-of-the-guys” types is clear-cut evidence that a man is, as Rosalie Aprile on The Sopranos put it, “playing for the pink team.” However, I think that if you are a heterosexual man who can seriously be caught stating a preference like this, you are not seeking a woman. You are, as the article even states, seeking female “versions” of your friends. You do not want a woman, a partner. You want regular blowjobs and not much else. You spend so much time with your guy friends and, in fact, define yourself through your guy friends that you have not yet become an individual, a serious man. These types of guys, like the ones who list “Ayn Rand” as one of their interests on Facebook, are types to be avoided.
It’s every guy’s dream to implant the personality of his buddies into a hot girl.
I mean, that basically backs up what I just wrote, but just to reiterate my true point here: I’m not saying it’s that difficult to fathom a desire like this, but I am saying that retaining this perspective indicates a severe lack of maturity and, quite possibly, a severe lack of penis. Talking-out-my-ass disclaimer here, but I’d guess that these guys might behave like wolves in a pack, with the alpha having the biggest dick. Yeah, friendship is great, I’m not insinuating otherwise. But it seems that these men cannot stand on their own and must qualify their masculine identity through these bro-downs. The alpha male, while having the biggest dick, is also guilty of all of this. Anyway, let’s begin to tackle a few of the “one-of-the-guys” traits put forth by the writer:
They Aren’t High Maintenance (Can’t even paste an excerpt. It’s too silly.)
Alright, asshole, define “high maintenance”, because this is a sensitive subject among womenfolk. When we expect a text back, we are “high maintenance”. When we expect a dood to act like he’s a man in a relationship and not a college freshman hoping for a blowjob after bong rips and Mario Party, we are high maintenance. This is just an incredibly dumb topic to even write about, because it’s one of those constant points of contention among men and women, and I guess no one is really “right”. But one thing’s for sure: If you’re the kind of dood who is still seriously concerned about finding a woman who lets you not write back to texts and shit, we aren’t even trying to shack up with you. Anyway, since this is incredibly stupid and trite, let’s move on, because the next one’s a doozy…
They Drink Like Fish
Every girl that’s one of the guys can drink with the best of us. They love to party, and they are “guy-like” when they party.
As one of the guys, my little sister was always the one girl we allowed at our guy beach weekend. One time, during an all day drink fest, she was kicked out of the bar for falling down steps. We promptly snuck her back in.
The bouncer found her again, asked us if we were with her, and kicked us out by association. We were impressed that one girl could get 7 guys kicked out of a bar.
Man. I don’t know what a “guy beach weekend” is, but I can’t say I’d respect any woman who would want to participate in such an activity, and neither should you. If a “guy beach weekend” is not only something that you do, but something that you’re proud of doing, then I’m not sure how you would qualify as a “catch” to us ladies. I also don’t understand why the author is celebrating the “guy beach weekend” actions perpetrated by the sloppy female in question. Didn’t you just say that a “one-of-the-guys” type should be able to drink like a fish and hold her liquor like the best of the guybeachweekends? You, sir, are contradicting yourself when you applaud this chick for behaving like an 18-year-old who just scored her first fake I.D. Plus, everyone knows that chick hotness levels and chick behavior tolerability levels exist in direct proportion to one another. Everyone just knows that, so let’s not make this a deeper issue than what it is.
And sorry, I don’t mean to “trash” your sister, but like. Stop hanging out with your sister. By the way, how do you even decide which of the guybeachweekends gets to hook up with your sis at the end of the night? Don’t even act like that’s not a “situation”. Let me guess something else about your sister: she’s hot and she hates all the girls you date. This brings us to another must-avoid category of doods, in additon to The Ayn Rand Dood. The Osmond Dood, who is creepily BFF with his sister. Yeah, families are important, and it’s actually rather attractive when a guy has a solid bond with his family. However, some doods are oddly obsessed with their sisters to the point where she complicates his relationships by being a) annoying, b) a harsh judge of any girl who dares infiltrate the life of “baby-bro” or “big-bro”, and c) a creepy element in his life that gives you pause upon even surfaced observation. Awww lovemysis, no one is funnier than my sis, no one’s YouTube videos are funnier, my sis loves Dane Cook, no one goes on guy beach weekends like my sis. Awww, lovemybro. GET OVER IT, Donny and Marie!
Back to the disturbing concept of the “guy beach weekend”: How about wanting a girl woman who is independent enough to not slut her way into a group of guys? How about desiring a partner who is “free” enough to have her own shit going on, which allows you the time to go on your lame-ass “beach weekends” or whatever? Not that those are even a cool, normal thing to do, but shouldn’t you desire something more classy from your female? How about a girlfriend who gives you your bro freedom while asserting her presence by making a classy cameo during the evening and reminding you of the sexytime you can look forward to at the end of the night or something? I don’t even know, I’m trying to invent scenarios that might seem normal at a “guy beach weekend”, but nothing, NOTHING is normal about a “guy beach weekend”. NEXT!
They Don’t Get Grossed Out Too Often
One time in our office, a gargantuan roach walked out of a closet as if it owned the place. All of us guys ducked behind a partition and watched it explore the premises. I have a strange fear/fascination of roaches.
A tiny girl co-worker named Jenn walked by us guys murmuring: “you are all such girls.” She calmly picked up an umbrella, killed the roach, and disposed of the carcass.
There was something attractive about the contrast between Jenn’s flawless preppie style, her tiny size, and her savage behavior.
Yeesh. First of all, Jenn sucks. Like, what is the real appeal of Jenn? She was able to kill a bug in front of a bunch of guys? Do you doods even know what the average single lady accomplishes on a regular basis? Who do you think is killing our bugs? Who do you think is working that plunger after taking a huge dump? Who do you think is changing our lightbulbs and fixing our pilot lights and setting up automatic transfers to our savings accounts and making sure there’s milk in the apartment and, uh, killing the occasional fucking cockroach? You just think Jenn is cool because you already wanted to sleep with Jenn, but Jenn’s “savage” cockroachintor skills added more layers to your fantasy and made you feel like you were a deeper dood for designing your erotic daydreams around a quirky, atypical action. “Hey, I wonder what Jenn’s like in bed?” This is something that doods commonly wonder. Listen, I’m a sexual girl and I wonder what doods are like in bed all the time – co-workers, friends-of-friends, the occasional hot UPS guy – I’m not hating on that. But many doods seem to glorify themselves as sexual creatures for “noticing” quirky qualities in women and sexualizing them. “Hey, Stacie is wearing mens snow boots tonight, that’s kinda hot. Wonder what she’s like in bed.” Honestly, it’s not a big deal. It doesn’t matter. None of this matters. It’s just dumb and annoying.
So, what have we learned today?
